An Algorithm for Murder


<BEGIN Algorithm>;

<Declare Variables>:

Vamp = <Enter Woman’s Name Here>;

Target = <Enter Man’s Name Here>;

<END Declare Variables>;

<Declare Attributes>:

VampAttributes = female, pretty face, mid-30’s, sexy body, great smile, bleached blond hair, stylish dresser, cunning, expensive tastes, married four times, divorced two times, widowed twice;

TargetAttributes = male, plain face, over 50, middle age build, receding hairline, arrogant, married two times, divorced two times, wealthy, mid-life crisis, expensive sports car;

<END Declare Attributes>;

<Declare Environment>:

Cities in: (Miami Beach, New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, San Francisco, Washington, DC.);

Venues in: (cocktail lounges, trendy restaurants, race tracks, casinos, strip clubs);

<END Declare Environment>;


do all: (dinner, drinking, dancing, drinking, three-day weekends, drinking, lovemaking, drinking, moving in, drinking, gambling, drinking, increasing life insurance, drinking, gifting expensive bling, drinking, swearing fidelity, drinking, changing life insurance beneficiaries, drinking, gifting expensive car, drinking, changing will, drinking);

<END Pre-Processing>;

<Set Method>:

Method_Array = (glycol poisoning, brake lines cut, cliff edge fall, accidental firearm discharge, lost at sea, arson death, subway platform mishap, lethal injection, basement stairway tumble, carbon monoxide poisoning, staged auto accident);

<END Set Method>;

<Main Program>:

do random(Method_Array(Target));

if result(Method_Array(Target)) EQ “death” then STOP;

end of do;

<END Main Program>;


Vamp collects life insurance payout;

Vamp receives house and other properties from will;

Vamp lives lavish lifestyle at seaside resort until money runs out;

Vamp goes back to: BEGIN Algorithm;

<END Post-Processing>;

<END Algorithm>;

~ fin ~


Michael A. Raithel is the author of five computer programming books, over 200 technical papers and programming blogs, and a book of computer humor: It Only Hurts When I Hit ENTER. 

He works as a systems analyst in a research firm in the Washington, DC suburbs during the day and writes crime and science fiction stories at night.  Michael is a lifelong gym rat and an avid marathoner.