Friday, March 23, 2012

Baby Boom

I’ve always hated hospitals. Saw too many people die in there and ended up too much times up there myself. My work as a bounty hunter frequently makes me end up stabbed, shot or even driven over once. That makes me visit the ER most of the time. This was my first time at the maternity ward.

I’d been trying to track down Will Potts for quite some time now. The bail bonds man I work for, The Dwarf, asked me to find him and make sure he shows up in court. Potts got arrested for an armed robbery. How the fuck the court allowed him to go free on bail is beyond me. Probably had to do with the fact his wife was pregnant. As soon as he was out of the courtroom he pulled a fucking David Copperfield on everyone and disappeared.

Potts had done a pretty good job of hiding but I was hoping he would show up at the hospital where his wife was ready to give birth.

I was waiting in the hallway, hoping Potts would show up soon enough. With my biker attire, size, muscle and tattoos I usually stand out from the crowd. I didn’t want anyone to ask too many questions.

That’s when I spotted him. A tall fellow with steel eyes and dark hair. Potts.

He looked straight into my eyes and immediately knew something was wrong. He turned around and started to run.

I ran after him. I fucking hate it when they run. I made a jump for it and tackled him.

He went down with me on top of him. His hand went for the .38 behind his belt. I got my hand on his wrist and twisted. The .38 dropped. I picked it up and stuck it against his chin.

“Name’s Danko Flynn. I’m a bail enforcement agent and you’re coming with me, Potts.”

“Please,” he pleaded, “Allow me to see my son get born.”

I thought about that for a moment. I wasn’t sure I had the patience for it. Or the fucking stomach. Giving birth always sounded like a messy affair to me. Still, I’m a pretty nice guy when you get to know me. I figured his wife might appreciate him being there with her.

“All right. But after that you come with me right away.”


“Will!” the young woman with the spread legs exclaimed as we came in. I usually liked women with spread legs. Just not in this context.

“Hi, honey!” Potts said.

“I’m so glad… you… came…” the woman huffed.

“Lizzie, of course I came. Wouldn’t want to miss the birth of our little Kevin.”

The obstetrician, a tough looking middle-aged woman with a bad perm, standing next to Lizzie gave us a quizzical look. “You’re the father? And who’s that with you?”

“Just pretend I’m not here,” I said.

“That’s going to be hard.”

“Try. I’m staying here until the end.”

The obstetrician shrugged. “Fine with me.”

What followed was pretty gruesome. And I’ve been in some pretty gruesome fights. Lizzie made sounds that reminded me of a Cannibal Corpse death metal album. She gripped the side of her bed so hard I thought she was going to crush it. There was a lot of fucking blood there as well.

It was pretty amazing when I noticed a head appearing from between Lizzie’s legs though. Potts thought so too it seemed, because he started to cry. I fucking hate it when a grown man does that.

He cut the umbilical cord with a pair of scissors the obstetrician handed him. The obstetrician put the baby on Lizzie’s stomach.

“That’s just beautiful,” Potts said. “I have to go now, however.”

He turned my way, holding the scissors like a knife, aiming for my eyes.

I kicked him in the nuts. He dropped the scissors. Lizzie screamed, the baby cried, the obstetrician cursed.

I grabbed Potts’ hair and knocked his head against the hospital bed. Twice. He didn’t bleed half as much as his wife had bled.

“Sorry about this shit,” I told Lizzie and the obstetrician. “I’ll take him to the ER myself. I know the way. Oh, and congratulations. It looks like a handsome boy.”