Courtesy Call


“You on a job and you pick up your phone?

“Probably was curious to see if it was me. Okay, I get it, but I still think it’s sloppy.

“Ever heard of something called triangulation?

“See, your phone broadcasts your co-ordinates everywhere you go to the nearest cell phone towers. That’s how cops know you were some place you weren’t meant to be. But don’t worry, ain’t nobody calling no polis tonight.

“Looks like you’ve turned into a vigilante. I’m thinking, of the Bruce Wayne variety, or maybe you’re more of a Frank Castle kinda guy. This little one man war of yours has cost me quite a bit of money. Soon as you started hitting my sales reps on the streets, well, health and safety and all that, we had to stop pushing. But I admire what you doing. Was a time, once upon, a man handled his own and didn’t go snitching to no polis. You’re old school, just like me. Then again, I taught you everything you know, right?

“Not easy to reply when you stalking my place of residence with a cocked .45, is it?

“Your senses are heightened, adrenalin pumping through your veins, and you probably wondering where I am so you can put one of them slugs in my skull. I dig it. But listen, I’ll tell you, hand on heart, it weren’t nothing personal when I bashed your wife’s head in with a baseball bat. Should have seen all the red that splattered out, kinda like a burst watermelon, now that I think about it. Really hard to get off the upholstery.

“Still listening?

“Nothing personal when I took your little girl – how old was she, three or four? – she wasn’t scared, she recognised me, even called me Uncle Joe. You should have seen her scared, sad little eyes as I held her down in the bath tub.

“But that weren’t personal.

“The hundred dollars you stole from me – that was personal.

“No, I’m not in the bathroom. Getting warmer though.

“You knew the score, but you did it anyway. Now, I know you see things differently… That’s my son’s bedroom you’re in. Make sure you don’t touch nothing. Where was I, I know you think my reaction was a little extreme, but you really hurt my feelings.

“You were my closest friend, hell, I was best man at your wedding, for fuck’s sake. And you steal a measly hundred from me? I’ve given more to hookers just for grinding on my cock.

“This, this right here, is just a matter of principle.

“Oh, see that piñata, you’re getting warmer!

“Sure you got enough bullets in that chamber? Took a few rounds to put down my guards, and the dogs, I understand why you did it, but that was cold. They was just innocent animals, man.

“Bingo – main bedroom.

“I once fucked your wife right on that bed, you know. She was a stripper before you got married, gave it up to anyone who bought her a margarita and had a twenty dollar bill to spare.

“Oh, look at you, scanning the place like you’re the Terminator or something.

“Still can’t find me?

“You’re thinking, where is he?

“Go to the window. That’s it.

“See that house across the street?


“That’s where I am.

“Now, you also see that little red dot on your forehead? Of course you can’t—”

~ fin ~