Friday, April 24, 2015


“I see a wedding in your future.”


Jeff almost asked the fortune teller for his money back. A wedding? For the King of the One Night Stand? Ridiculous! He’d come to Venice Beach to get lucky. Everyone said Venice girls were easy, and easy was his style. Having his palm read was just a way to pass the time until he found his next temporary girlfriend.

Now it looked like the sidewalk prophet was right.

Lisa had been sunbathing, wearing a bikini that looked like it would barely fit a six year old, and he knew she was tonight’s main event.

“I like you a whole lot,” she told him on the beach. “I’d really like to get to know you better, a whole lot better, but that involves things I can only do with the man I marry. I’m a good girl.”

Jeff looked at her. Her lips. Her eyes. Her body. They all added up to one thing.

“Marry me,” he blurted out. “Marry me tonight! We can be husband and wife by the time the sun goes down.”

Lisa answered him with a smile. He was in luck. They drove to Las Vegas, leaving the tattoo artists, T-shirt stands and tarot cards of Venice Beach behind.

Four and a half hours from first date to honeymoon. Getting laid wasn’t supposed to be this simple!

The ceremony was cheap and easy.

“Do you?”

“I do.”

“Do you?”

“I do too.”

Hopefully ditching her in the morning would also be cheap and easy

The hotel was called the Honeymooners Lodge. The room had a heart-shaped bed with heart-shaped pillows. Red carpet. Red curtains. And a red, kidney-shaped bathtub. It was the last place real newly-weds would want to spend their honeymoon.

“Why don’t you make yourself comfortable,” Lisa said as soon as they checked in. “I’ll go in the bathroom and get ready.”

Jeff got undressed and climbed into bed.

And waited.

And thought about lingerie.

And waited.

And thought about skin.

And waited.

After an eternity, Lisa came out. No lingerie. No new bits of tantalizing skin. She looked exactly the same.

Except for the gun in her hand.

“I’m sorry, baby,” she said.

“I…I don’t have any money,” Jeff said.

“It’s not about money,” Lisa said, “Jake is loaded.”


“My fiancé.”

“You’re engaged?”

“I was in Venice to have my tea leaves read. Madame Zora looked into my future and said I was going to be married.”

“To Jake.”

“Right. She also said my first husband was going to die right after our wedding.”


“No, honey,” Lisa said. “Jake’s the love of my life. I can’t bear the thought of losing him.”

“So you made me your first husband.”

She smiled.

“But…” Jeff said, “You can’t…I just…I like you a whole lot…”

“I’m sorry, baby. I like you too,” Lisa said as she raised the gun, “It’s just not your lucky day.”