The Contract Killer Employee Manual

09/14/23

Greetings, and welcome to [REDACTED]!

We are very excited you’ve opted to be a part of our esteemed and respected organization. Here at [REDACTED], we strive to be the number one name in assassinations. Whether we’re taking out political leaders, eliminating cheating spouses, helping to overthrow governments, or lending a helping hand(gun) to the Average Joe, [REDACTED] has cultivated a reputation of professionalism and top-tier customer satisfaction, and it’s made possible by the hard work of dedicated employees like you. We literally could not live (or kill) without you.

In this very brief handbook, you’ll find information regarding everything from salary, vacation days, human resource contacts, who you can and cannot murder, and much, much more.  

First, let’s begin with defining your role at [REDACTED].  

Contractual Employment

You are employed as a contract killer, meaning you have all the benefits and salary of a regular, full-time employee (such as individuals who work in payroll, reception, or corpse disposal), but are susceptible to the termination of your work contract at any time. That means if budget restrictions take place, your job performance is subpar, or if the organization decides to replace you for any non-discriminatory reason, your contract may be terminated and you will be forced to leave the organization. And by “forced to leave” we mean you may be shot in the head and your body dumped in the ocean. Please consult your HR rep for further information on this matter.

Please keep in mind contracted employees get a generous holiday bonus at the end of each calendar year and enjoy special perks such as a.) company cars, b.) free ammunition, c.) free WiFi at all [REDACTED] locations, and d.) a coupon booklet good at participating 7-Eleven locations across the United States.  

Equal opportunity employment

[REDACTED] is an equal opportunity organization, meaning, of course, that if the hit has been paid for in full, we will contractually kill anyone regardless of race, gender, age, nationality, religion, and sexual orientation. We expect all employees, full, parttime, contracted and otherwise, to treat our customers and everyone within the organization with the utmost respect, unless you are ordered to kill them, of course. Remember, the only prejudice we tolerate is when we terminate with extreme prejudice!

Communication

Whether you’re selling shoes or killing people, communication is key to the success of any organization, which is why we send out email blasts at seven am, Monday through Friday, to keep our employees in the loop about the day-to-day operations of our organization including profit margins, birthday announcements, and body counts.

Please check your email regularly for these important tidbits.

Referrals

If you know someone who would be a great fit for [REDACTED], please encourage them to contact our hiring department. If we hire the referred individual, your name will be entered into a drawing to win an Amazon gift card worth $500!

Please note: If we do not feel the referred candidate will work out, the individual, as well as their family and friends, may be killed and you may be shot in the head and your body could be dumped in the ocean.

Choose your referrals wisely.

Attendance

Although you are a contracted employee and function independently, punctuality and professionalism are expected at all times. If you are sick, have a family emergency, or face something that prevents you from showing up to a jobsite (AKA a hit), please contact your direct supervisor in a timely manner.

If you are suffering from an illness, we do require a doctor’s note to be delivered to your supervisor or HR rep. If you do not provide us with a doctor’s note, you may face disciplinary measures, which may include being shot in the head and having your body dumped in the ocean. Please keep this mind before calling in sick.

A Final Word

Again, we are very happy you’ve decided to come on board with us! We think you’ll enjoy working here at [REDACTED], if you survive your 90 day orientation, that is. With that in mind, let’s close this manual and continue to your Operational Training Handbook and see why [REDACTED] is the first choice for last resorts!

Thank you.

~ fin ~

mikemchone

Mike McHone‘s work has appeared in Ellery Queen, Mystery Weekly, Playboy, Mystery Tribune, the AV Club, the Detroit News, Guilty, Punk Noir, and elsewhere. Although he lives in Detroit, anyone can visit him online at www.mikemchone.com.