Goliath Axes: FAQ
Thank you for your interest in Goliath Axes! At Goliath, we pride ourselves on axes guaranteed to give the sharpest cut with every swing. Our wood and steel are manufactured right here in the USA, and our axes have been sold throughout the world since 1918. Before contacting customer service, please read below to see if your question can be answered.
Frequently Axed Questions
What is your return policy?
Goliath Axes are rarely returned. But if you find our products unsatisfactory for any reason, returns are generally accepted up to 90 days after receipt.
What if my Goliath Axe was damaged during use? Can it still be returned?
Some minor abrasions and scratches are to be expected. These will be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.
What if my Goliath Axe is bloodstained?
Provided that the axe is returned within 90 days, and the blood can be removed through a standard cleaning procedure, your refund will be processed.
What if my Goliath Axe is required to be part of a police inquiry?
We suggest that all legal matters are completed before a Goliath Axe is returned, as it could be very difficult to locate the same axe upon it being refurbished and re-inventoried.
If I’ve discovered that my husband has been having an affair with his co-worker, and I plan to use my Goliath Axe to chop his head and penis off, do you provide instructions in the enclosed brochure?
Every Goliath Axe is sent with a small card that has a QR code linking to an instructional video series detailing the best way to hold the axe, proper swinging technique, and advice on cleaning and storage. While these techniques are generally only applicable for woodchopping, Goliath products are certainly practical for any number of other purposes.
For smaller jobs that don’t require an axe, we recommend visiting the website of our sister company, Kristen Cutlery.
Will I feel guilty afterward?
Guilt is a human construct determined by changing societal and legal theory, and shouldn’t be a factor in your decision to purchase Goliath products. Globally, the concept of retribution is the accepted practice of reform, so who is to say that the woman who strikes down her disloyal partner has done wrong?
Loyalty is the base requirement of the social contract – loyalty to your country, employer, religion, and family. Without loyalty, institutions crumble. And institutions are simply manifestations of our humanity. And so, we crumble.
Haven’t I been a good wife? What did I do wrong?
Don’t think that way, Diane, or ascribe the failings of others to yourself. Every institution in which we place our loyalty will, at some point, fail to satisfy our needs (except for Goliath Axes). Your government will betray you, your employer will suddenly sever ties. Your loved ones will die. Being “good” prevents none of those things. It simply maintains the necessary façade of a cheerfully mutual investment until the inevitable happens.
You’ve been a good wife.
What if I can’t live with myself afterward?
You can’t live with yourself now. Look around the bathroom floor, at the hair you’ve yanked from your head, scattered like pine needles. The spreading branches of blood from cuts your nails have dug into your arms and legs.
There’s a reason you came to our web site, Diane.
In the same way that Goliath Axes have lasted generations, you’re doing something people have always done.
If it’s too hard for me to go on, after I do this…can I use a Goliath Axe on myself?
It would be difficult, given that a proper swing is delivered from the hips. Again, we would recommend contacting our sister company, Kristen Cutlery, which produces knives and other kitchen products suitable for any need.
When will my Goliath Axe arrive?
You’ve selected Express shipping, so your Goliath Axe should arrive a couple of hours before Dan returns from his “business” trip tomorrow.
Do you think I’ll change my mind?
Your purchase is complete.