Jonah Martin delivered the first of his six lousy words while glaring at his rival through the helmet’s faceplate.
“Halt!”
Instead of halting, the dashing rogue Jonah challenged leapt up onto the parapet behind them.
“I will have the princess for my wife, King Roland,” he loudly pledged to the ten-watt stars twinkling above. “And a hundred fools in armor shall not stop me!”
Jonah thrust his lance, but Daryl Butler—AKA Sir Darcy of Brentwyth—jumped from the wall and dropped out of sight.
The audience gasped; a splash resounded; and the king rushed through the turret’s archway with sword drawn.
“Where is he?”
“Leapt into the moat, Sire.”
Leaning over the parapet, the king shouted, “A curse upon you!” Then, turning to face the audience, he nailed the Scene One closer: “May the gods drown Sir Darcy and drag him to Hell!”
As the play continued without him, Jonah removed his cardboard armor in the dressing room, complaining to the wardrobe mistress that his left greave was coming apart. Again.
“I’ll wrap more duct tape around it for tomorrow afternoon’s performance,” chirped Lydia Kaplan, a woman so old the cast speculated she’d done costumes for the dinner show at The Last Supper.
Once she left, Jonah asked the mirror for the thousandth time what the other man had that he lacked.
Daryl Butler and Jonah Martin were both in that early-thirties sweet spot for leading men. They had joined the Rancho Cucamonga Community Players the same year. And, yet, month after month Daryl snagged the juicy roles of characters with names, while Jonah played ciphers: passenger #2, blind beggar, and now, palace guard.
That talentless jerk wears a velvet doublet and purple cloak. What do I get? Duct tape and cardboard.
Even remembering he was understudy for both Sir Darcy and King Roland didn’t lift his mood, and a glance at the clock soured it further. The kissing scene between Darcy and the princess (played by the angelic Emily Compton) had begun.
Ego bruised from his insignificant role, heart aching with unrequited love, Jonah fled the RCCP theater and went home to dream of thrusting a beat ahead of cue, ramming his lance into Daryl Butler’s guts. The satisfying fantasy conveniently omitted the fact that his weapon was a foil-wrapped pool noodle.
The phone woke Jonah Saturday morning with news from the diminutive actor playing King Roland’s court jester.
“Did you hear?”
“No, what?” the groggy Jonah croaked.
“An LA casting director is driving over for tonight’s performance! She’s looking at people for a new drama series on CBS.”
Jonah shot up from his supine position.
“Seriously?”
“Hand to God. I’m gonna zhuzh up my material in this afternoon’s performance so I can blow her away tonight.”
The unfairness of it all struck hard. The jester with a dozen fart jokes gets a crack at fame. Daryl Butler probably lands a gig as a series regular. And what happens to Jonah? Monday morning he’ll be back at his crappy job: the Frito Lay plant’s human backup for the machine that measures chip size.
A single stagehand is on duty when Jonah enters the darkened RCCP theater twenty minutes later. Ralphie is thrilled to take two fifties from what’s-his-name who plays the palace guard, and go buy doughnuts for the entire company. Especially when he’s told he can keep the change.
Jonah enters the space behind the castle where two twin mattresses lean against the wall. They safely break Daryl Butler’s ten-foot fall each night when he leaps into the “moat,” his soft-landing thump covered by a loud, recorded splash. Since cast and crew must cut through the narrow passageway constantly, the mattresses are stacked in place only minutes before Act One, Scene One begins, their precise position marked by four lengths of masking tape on the concrete floor.
Pulling up and relocating the tape pieces eighteen inches from their usual spots, he counts on no one noticing in the backstage flurry before the matinee performance.
As he exits, Jonah hopes Lydia Kaplan can alter the velvet doublet in time for an eight o’clock curtain.
~ fin ~
April Kelly is a former TV comedy writer whose crime fiction has appeared in Mystery Magazine, Tough Crime and Shotgun Honey multiple times, with one-offs in Dark Yonder, Down & Out Magazine, Mysterical-E and others. She has been a Shamus Award finalist twice and the bridesmaid for a Derringer once. April’s Sci-Fi, Humor and Horror work has been featured in Punk Noir, Sci-Fi Lampoon and Beyond The Vanishing Point.
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