Ceiling Fan In My Spoon

07/06/12

I’ve been here fourteen years.

Today’s the day.  Sammy brought me a steak.  He’s a pretty good guy, I hope he gets the fuck outta here before this place kills him on the inside.

I deserve to be here. Day in, day out, twenty-three hours in this box, and thirty minutes in the yard.  I did the math once, it added up to a hundred and six days of daylight.  Less than a year of fresh air to show for my adult life.  I never complained though, like I said, I deserve to be here.  I killed a little girl.  A beautiful little eight-year-old girl named Stacy.  I know she was beautiful from her pictures in the paper and the photos they showed in court.  I shot her and her old man point blank with a shotgun loaded with double aught buck.  I don’t remember doing it, but I’ve heard the playback so many times over the past fourteen years of courtroom reenactments that I can recite every detail.

I knew the Animal doctor had dope in his house, but I didn’t think I would find the mother lode.  I broke in looking for Valium, sedatives, maybe some loose cash.  I found a closet full of 100mg morphine tablets.  Didn’t know Vet’s even stocked that shit.  The sheer rush of the find made me stupid.  Every caution melted away.  I sat down in the man’s kitchen, shotgun in my lap, cooked up and tied one off.  I even used one of the Doc’s spoons, my works were outside in the car.

That’s it.  No pain.  The single greatest high of my life.  My lawyers did their best to convince the jury I blacked out.  That it was the sickness that did it, not me.

Fucking idiots.

From what I understand, the Doc and his little girl came home to find my smacked out ass in their kitchen.  Before the Doc could get out a word of protest, I unloaded the shotgun without even lifting my head from the table.

The Doc lived.  Stacy did not.  I woke up in a room like this one and haven’t be out since.  The doc’s testimony saw to that.  I hated myself after hearing what he had to say, so did my twelve peers.  He got a chance to ask me why.  I never gave him my answer.  At least I got that right.

I went with the blackout story my lawyers were peddling, but the truth is I didn’t black out.  I remember the reflection of the ceiling fan in that cooking spoon.  It was beautiful.  I remember never wanting it to stop spinning.  I stared at that while my body went through the motions of silencing the interruption.  I remember that Goddamn fan, but not mowing down a little girl in front of her father.  That’s how a drug addict’s mind works, hold on to the high no matter what, and filter out the rest.

Four years ago the Doc sat on the other side of a steel table and told me he forgave me for what I did, for what I did to his only child.  He said he had to.  He didn’t want to hold on to the hate anymore.  I wonder how tight he’d hold on to it if I told him the truth, that what I did to them just wasn’t important enough to remember, but that ceiling fan was.

Can you believe there are people out there right now waving signs that say I don’t deserve what’s comin’?  That my death will be cruel and unusual. Sammy told me that. Some people got nothing better to do.  To me, it makes perfect sense.  The needle got me here, I think it’s only fitting that the needle puts me down.

Sammy wants the rest of my steak.  I don’t care, I can’t cut it with this spoon anyway. I sit and stare at the ceiling fan spinning in it.  It’s still beautiful.  I can’t remember anything else.

Her father can.

I’m the lucky one.

She would have been twenty-two.

With respect to Evan Dando.

~ fin ~

panowich

Brian Panowich is an award winning author, a Georgia firefighter, and a father to four incredible children. His first novel, BULL MOUNTAIN (Putnam Books) topped the best thriller list of 2015 on Apple iBooks, placed in the top twenty best books of 2015 on Amazon, and went on to win the International Thriller Writers Award (2016) for Best First Novel, as well as the Pat Conroy Award (formally the SIBA Award) (2016) for Best Mystery. The book was also nominated for the Barry Award, the Anthony Award, The Georgia Townsend Book Prize, and was a finalist for the 2016 LA Times Book Prize. BULL MOUNTAIN was also recently selected for the coveted BOOKS ALL GEORGIANS SHOULD READ list by the Georgia Center of the Book, and has been the recepient of several foreign press awards. Brian also placed second for the 2016 Georgia Author of the Year Award in the Best Debut Catagory. His second novel, LIKE LIONS, is slated for a 2018 release followed by YEAR OF THE ROOSTER due in 2019.

...incredible writing Brian...thank you for picking up the pen again...looking forward to more...more...more...much love brother...
John Stoney Cannon
September 15, 2012
All the words like planets caught in the gravity of the pain at the center of the piece. Man, I feel this, it's heart wrenching in it's realism, and much respect it it's refusal to soften or compromise the narrative voice. Keep swinging.
Isaac Kirkman
September 10, 2012
Awesome work. I could absolutely hear the characters voice in my head when reading. Wish it was longer. 
J. Breezy
July 11, 2012
1st one I was able to find to, to get to read. Please send me your links. These are my kind of reading. Morbid or not, not the point... The emotion, the way it hits you in that spot inside that scares you. You have talent my Brotha.
Jennmcfalls
July 10, 2012
The not a very redeeming character, but I still couldn't stop reading to hear what he had to say. You created a very compelling story from a perspective I'm not used to reading. Well done. Thank you for sharing! 
Laura M. Campbell
July 08, 2012
Very intense and moving Brian.  Well done!
Susanna Reilly
July 08, 2012
 Right back at you, for the kind words.
Thomas Pluck
July 07, 2012
Thanks for reading it and for the kind words.
Brian Panowich
July 07, 2012
Thank you for reading it Julia, and for sharing the link. You rock!
Brian Panowich
July 07, 2012
Anytime Ryan, just trying' to keep up with you.
Brian Panowich
July 07, 2012
Thank you for reading it Thomas. Kind words from you put my pen back to the page. BTW, Glutton for Punishment fucking rocked.
Brian Panowich
July 07, 2012
Thanks Ray. There is no finer compliment than that.
Brian Panowich
July 07, 2012
I couldn't imagine being around that kind of despair all the time. Getting into the head of this character was hard enough. Good luck with the work you do.
Brian Panowich
July 07, 2012
Thanks Jen. Hatpin was my favorite story so far this year, so a compliment from you means a lot.
Brian Panowich
July 07, 2012
Thanks for taking the time Bruce.
Brian Panowich
July 07, 2012
Huge compliment, thank you Erik
Brian Panowich
July 07, 2012
Thanks for reading it Bill.
Brian Panowich
July 07, 2012
wow... brian, that was lots to say in a short space-and you said it well!
Bill Baber
July 07, 2012
That is an absolutely tremendous story. Thank you.
Erik Arneson
July 06, 2012
Inside ramblings of a bad apple.  Very well done!
Bruce Harris
July 06, 2012
Great story. I read it twice, too. You have some great details--doing the math, Animal doctor, the fan. 
Jen Conley
July 06, 2012
I work with people like this on a daily basis.  You hit their thought-process right on the head.  They all feel sorry after but it doesn't keep them from doing it again and again.  Real Jekyll and Hyde kind of stuff. If you were trying to keep it real, you did.  This one'll stick with me for a while.
Neospooky
July 06, 2012
Cracking story. Read it once and read it again.
Ray Campbell
July 06, 2012
Damn fine story, Brian.
Thomas Pluck
July 06, 2012
Great story. The remorse feels very real, and it seems his conscious is clear now. Too bad for what it took to get him there. Thanks for the story.
Ryan Sayles
July 06, 2012
Beautifully heartbreaking. Nicely done!
Julia Madeleine
July 06, 2012
Absolutely brilliant!
Aa2579
July 06, 2012

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