Corn Nut Caper

05/25/12

“Oh my God, there’s a tooth in my corn nuts,” Casey said.

I glanced at the contents of her cupped palm. “It’s not a tooth, dipshit.”

“It’s a goddammed tooth, Ray. Take a closer look.”

I poked at the kernels. “They’re corn nuts, Casey. They all kinda look like—“

I held one up and examined it. Damned if it wasn’t a mother-fucking tooth.

“I told you,” she said with satisfaction.

“Maybe you’d better not eat those until we find out how this got in there.”

“I’ve already eaten half the bag.”

“We should call the police or something.”

Casey laughed. “Who’re you gonna call, the snack police?”

I wasn’t thinking so clearly. We’d been tweaking hard for the last twenty-four hours. Plus, I was hungry.

“Hook me up with some of those,” I said.

She poured a pile into my hand and I tossed them all into my mouth. The salty goodness helped to clear my mind. I sat down on the cinderblock fence and inspected the tooth.

“It looks like a carnivore,” I said.

Casey scrunched her face up, confused. “A cadaver?”

“No, dip shit, a carnivore tooth. The ones that help you tear meat off the bone. Canines, that’s what they’re called.”

“You think it’s a dog tooth?”

“No.” It was way too complicated to explain.

Casey put her head on my shoulder, looking up at me with her pretty blue eyes. “What’s wrong, Ray?” she said.

“I really need to figure out how this tooth got in your corn nuts, babe. It’s like my new mission in life.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Ok, let’s think about it. Do we know any toothless people?”

“Johnny’s missing a tooth,” I said.

“Yeah, but I don’t think it’s a cadaver.”

“Canine.”

“Canine,” she repeated.

“You’re right about Johnny though.” He’d been missing that tooth since I met him five years ago. Seemed unlikely it would’ve made its way into Casey’s corn nuts now.

I put my hand on Casey’s knee. There was blood on my knuckles.

“Holy shit,” I said. “What the fuck happened to my hand?”

“Let me see,” Casey said, pressing it the wound. “Does that hurt?”

I pulled my hand back. “Hell yes, it hurts. Why’d you do that?”

“I’m sorry, Ray, I wanted to see if it was broken. I used to be a nurse, I know about these things.”

“I feel sorry for your patients, then.”

Casey crossed her arms in front of her, pouting.

“What’s got you all bent out of shape?”

“You didn’t have to say that, Ray.”

“What’d I say?”

“You said you felt sorry for my patients. I’m a good nurse and you know it.”

That was how we met; I’d cut my finger on a jigsaw and she was the ER nurse who treated me. But that was a long time ago; I couldn’t remember if she was a good nurse or not.

“Say it!” she said.

“Say what?”

“Say I’m a good nurse, goddammit.”

“If you were a good nurse you’d have a job.”

“And if you were a man you’d have a job.”

That was taking shit too far. I got up in her face, raising my hand to hit her. That’s when I got a good look at her mouth. Her lip was all plumped up and bloody.

“The fuck happened to you?” I said.

Casey started crying. “You’re so mean! I’m gonna leave you, Ray, I swear I am.”

“Christ, girl, settle down. Smile at me.”

“I ain’t gonna smile at you, asshole.”

I laughed, pointing at her. “You dipshit, that was your tooth you found in the corn nuts.”

“No fucking way.”
“Open your mouth.”
“No.”

“Open it, Casey! I just wanna check.”

She clamped her mouth shut. Goddammed women. Why’d they always have to make things difficult?

I lunged toward her and tried to force her mouth open but she kicked me, grazing my balls. I doubled over, cupping my crotch.

“Goddammit Casey,” I said. I struggled to find her tooth on the ground in front of me. ”I got your tooth, right here!”

But Casey had run off and I realized all I had was a corn nut in my hand.

~ fin ~

Headshot Holly West No BG2022

Holly West (she/her) is the author of the Mistress of Fortune historical mystery series and the Anthony Award-winning editor of Murder-A-Go-Go’s: Crime Fiction Inspired by the Music of the Go-Go’s and Killin’ Time in San Diego, the 2023 Bouchercon anthology.

I'll never eat corn nuts again without looking for a tooth...and thinking of this story.  Good stuff.
R.J. Spears
May 31, 2012
[...] new story, Corn Nut Caper, is featured on Shotgun Honey today. Check it out, and while you’re there, be sure to check [...]
New Story: Corn Nut Caper | Holly West
May 30, 2012
Loved it, especially "say I'm a good nurse, Goddammit", her fragile self-image, his indifference. Much deeper than just drugs and socked jaws and snacks, though that works too.
Nicola Rain Jordan
May 28, 2012
Scary yet funny. Hard combo to pull off. 
Patti Abbott
May 27, 2012
Love this one. Funny yet menacing.
Chris Rhatigan
May 27, 2012
Fun stuff, Holly! Nice job.
Glenn Gray
May 26, 2012
Meth heads and corn nuts. Why did no one think of this sooner?
Ryan Sayles
May 25, 2012
Well done!
Erik Arneson
May 25, 2012
I can see Corn Nuts taking out teeth even without a tweaking lifestyle. Great story, Holly!  
Travis Richardson
May 25, 2012
Nice one!
PaulDBrazill
May 25, 2012
Damn fine tale, Holly. Just when I thought I was tired of tales about meth heads, you humanize the tragedy.
Thomas Pluck
May 25, 2012
Oh, man, that's funny.  
Joe Clifford
May 25, 2012
Cool story. Those corn nuts do look like teeth! ha ha :)
Julia Madeleine
May 25, 2012

Comments are closed for this post.