There are only three things you should ever go into debt for:

Your house, because let’s face it, who the hell has 200 grand just sitting around?

A new car, I never borrowed money on one of those until I got sick of driving around in ten year old beaters with no air conditioning or CD player or nothing. You get to certain age where you want comfort, you want reliability. So, yeah, take five years to pay off a car loan. And cars have gotten to be just like houses, who the fuck has 30 grand sitting around to blow on a car?

Education, fuck that noise, it’s not like that shit’s going to get you anywhere. But let the kids figure that out when after they graduate and find out all their bullshit degree gets them is a job bussing tables at a Denny’s and hoping one of the waiters quits so they can move up into their position. But still, I guess it’s kinda important.

Everything else, use cash.

Don’t go into debt for jewelry for your wife, because chances are she’ll leave you when she finds out you’ve been buying the blonde, eastern European piece of ass you’ve had on the side for ten years better, more expensive jewelry.

Don’t go into debt buying jewelry for the blonde, eastern European piece of ass you’ve had on the side for the past ten years, because blonde eastern European pieces of ass are nothing but whores who have dozens of guys just like you buying her equally expensive pieces of jewelry.

Don’t go into debt buying a drum kit for your awkward, hyperactive 16-year-old son, because all that little shit is going to do is try and beat the shit out of you when he finds out that you’ve been cheating on his mother for ten years.

Don’t go into debt buying drinks for your work buddies, because all those fuckers are going to do is drink their drinks, never pick up a round, and try to throw you under the bus to save their own careers when internal affairs catches them shaking down a crack dealer for a couple of thousand bucks and a couple of grams of uncut powder.

Don’t go into debt to crack dealers, because they’ll have you bringing the hammer down on their competitors once a week and raiding evidence lockers so much that the pricks from internal affairs will start taking an even harder look at you.

Don’t go into debt bribing internal affairs, because those fuckers keep coming back wanting more and more until they’re taking a clear 40% and hinting around for an even bigger chunk.

But most important of all, don’t go into debt for the Bears vs. the Packers; the Angels vs. the Yankees; the Lakers vs. the Suns—Hell, make that any team out of Arizona, they’re nothing but a losing proposition, because if you do find yourself neck deep from the losing ways of your favorite teams and their inability to cover the spread, you may find yourself in the handicap bathroom stall of terminal 4 at Sky Harbor airport elbow deep in some Mexican national because your bookie swears the kid is hauling fifty grand worth of precious stones up in his colon, and that’ll just about cover your debt.

Avoid all those things and you’re sure to live a successful, fulfilling life.