The last time you messed up is the last time you’ll mess up. Now you check your supply box once per quarter, even if you haven’t found a new friend. The box ALWAYS HAS:
Step 1: one month before you meet up with your newest friend, make sure to ask Reggie for PTO for your meetup day and the day after (cleanup). YOU CANNOT RUSH CLEANUP.
Step 2: For each new friend, select a new location #2 and a new dump site. That blonde cop giving the news conference in April looked like she knew what she was doing. Just because they say they don’t know where you’re doing things doesn’t mean they’re telling the truth.
Step 2: one week before your meet, drive between home and location #1 and location #2 and home again. Verify existing traffic cameras on highways using the map stored in your Misc_Proj folder in the Trash on old MacBook. Always use the routes without cameras as broken down in Latest_Map_USE_THIS_ONE.
Step 3: one day before your meet, use some blue tape to obscure two digits on the Jeep’s license plate. Check that you have full tank of gas, etc. because you don’t want a repeat of that one time in Long Beach.
Step 4: on the morning of the meet, use the duct tape and tarps to section off the special part of the basement. DO NOT NEGLECT THIS STEP AGAIN. YOU CANNOT MANAGE FRIEND AND SPACE AT SAME TIME.
Step 1: You always need a new Craigslist ad. In case you are ever tempted to use the old one, remember: the cops may have figured that one out. The responses got weird. SETUP?
Step 2: use ChatGPT to come up with fresh Craigslist ad copy. When you write the prompt, you are looking for:
Step 3: ALWAYS do a photo search to verify that the image they send is real, not stock or of someone else. REMEMBER WHEN YOU DIDN’T CHECK THE LAST TIME. Cops think they’re smart.
Step 4: no more motels as a meeting place. Too many cameras. Parks, beach, etc. make them suspicious. Check if Jeff’s Airbnb is free (look at online calendar; don’t ask) because he has no cameras and you have key. You just need to get them in the front door, anyway.
Step 1: You have location #1 and location #2. Five minutes before your new friend is supposed to meet you at location #1, you always call and direct them to location #2. If they are unwilling to go to location #2, offer more money. They always take more money.
Step 2: Drive the perimeter of location #2 at least three times. If you see anyone in a parked car, ABORT. It might be a cop. Even that blonde cop.
Step 3: Taser. Rope. In the Jeep. Always drive the speed limit home.
Step 4: Have fun! But always keep the fun restricted to the special section of the basement.
Step 1: Strip any remaining clothes. Use all the bleach.
Step 2: Drive around the perimeter of your dump site at least three times with your headlights off (buy infrared scope?). Dump as quickly as possible. TAKE EVERYTHING WITH YOU.
Step 3: When you get back home, shower ASAP. Clip your nails.
Step 4: YOU CANNOT RUSH CLEANUP.
REMEMBER: READ THE NEWS. WATCH OUT FOR THOSE WATCHING YOU. IF THE COPS GET TOO CLOSE, DELETE THIS LIST. IF ANYONE OTHER THAN YOU EVER READS IT, THEN YOU’VE FAILED AND YOU’RE IN JAIL, AND YOU WILL HAVE DESERVED IT.
~ fin ~
Nick Kolakowski is the Derringer- and Anthony-nominated author of Maxine Unleashes Doomsday and Boise Longpig Hunting Club, as well as the Love & Bullets trilogy of novellas. He lives and writes in New York City. Visit him virtually at nickkolakowski.com.
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