Hello, you’ve reached Maria Calmer, please leave a message.

Hey, Maria, this is Carolyn… you know…the evil cunt… uh… well… the reason why I’m calling is that I have your Romeo here, for the  rest of our fucking life and you don’t even know anything about this baby faced prick, do you, did you know that he killed the last child that I could  possibly have? Did you know that he was always and forever, a selfish dreaming child his ownself? He never got delivered you know, he—If you are satisfied with this message please press 1

Hello, you’ve reached Maria Calmer, please leave a message.

Hey, it’s me again, what I was saying is that he was never born, you comprehend that?  N-E-V-E-R B-O-R-N you oblivious bitch…what you were fucking was a dream… a ghost…only now, I have him trapped here… on the earth… a living, bleeding miracle of a husband come home at last…I guess you will never comprehend how truly handsome he is with most of his face turned into a m—If you are satisfied with this message please press 1

Hello, you’ve reached Maria Calmer, please leave a message.

          Hey, it’s me again, he’s not doing too well right now… he’s blowing bloody bubbles like Bazooka Joe on his death bed… I should be calling the ambulance but I’m sort of fascinated right now. Did I mention he killed a man last year? He got away with it, told me the dealer went crazy, and I believed him…….. He threw his gun and the motherfucker’s phone into Cape Fear which was—If you are satisfied with this message please press 1

Hello, you’ve reached Maria Calmer, please leave a message.

What I’m trying to tell you is that John got away with a lot of shit, he got away with everything and he kept telling me over and over after coming inside me in a frenzy of speed and cheap whisky that our fates were sealed by the seed of Yeshua, the secret name of Christ, our Lord and Savior… Did he whisper the same false prophecies to you Maria? Did his dick and tongue sing the same bullshit?  John wasn’t Jewish, by the way, he was Baptist, though his despised the—If you are satisfied with this message please press 1

          Hello, you’ve reached Maria Calmer, please leave a message.

I think John is dead, and my stomach feels like my first date, so I guess I won’t be calling that ambulance for a while…………… Did I mention the fact that John tried to kill me on our honeymoon? I don’t think he had that waiting in his head, it was a bad dream, I want to believe and it was a good thing I was still awake while he was having it… Just wanted to let you know some things before you get all avenging angel on me, because I know that you loved—If you are satisfied with this message please press 1